Oh dear. Paramount went and remade our beloved Trek. This can only result in NERD RAGE.
HeyZeusHCristoAlmighty!!!
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Epic.
ReplyDeleteI love the back and forth with his own personal sock puppet.
ReplyDeleteIt's locked down. Anyone cap that?
ReplyDeleteI didn't screencap, but I got the text:
ReplyDeleteThe preview trailer was edited to make it look like remake "Kirk" and remake "Uhura" fuck. SPOILER: This is not the actual case. Kirk is actually makin' out hot and heavy with her academy roommate, an Orion slave girl ("The Cage" (TOSP#1), "Whom Gods Destroy" (TOS), "Bound" (ENT) and others (some as holograms on DS9)... Well, she's green at least.
Unresoved temporal paradoxes (not the least of which is the DESTRUCTION of planet Vulcan, but more on that later).
Khan-inspired lame villain (yes, much worse than Nemesis) comes through a black hole... somehow surviving both the event horizon AND the singurality at it's center...
The USS Kelvin (one wonders if the name of the ship is from the unit of temperature measurement or ripped from the alien race that the Enterprise captained by Kirk in The Original Trek Universe once encountered in "By Anyother Name" - you know, the originally non-humaniod conquerers of the Kelvin Empire from the Planet Kelva in the Andromeda Galaxy... aka the DICKS who turned a couple of crewmen into D&D dice and KILLED the female on by crushing her in dice form!).
The main villain's name is NERO. He's a Romulan. Nero certainly doesn't sound very Romulan (we learn that there are at least three different dialects in the remake universe). Nero was the name of a Roman Emperor in Earth's ancient past. I guess the screenwriters remembered vaguely that the Romulans were partially based upon the Romans, so they used the name. It actually strikes me as yet another case of being UNCREATIVE and ignoring the classic universe. Par for the course here.
All of the fucking annoying MTV-esque camera bobs and quick pull-ins and outs and lack of any steadicam shots... all they needed was Edward James Olmos to step on the set and it'd be the "re-imgined" Battlestar Galactica. *UGH* And you know by now how that shit ended. Do they really think anyone cares about Caprica? (more like CRAPRICA!, but I digress). I have always hated that kind of shitty camera work, trying to make it look like it's being shot by a wartime camera crew or whatever - all over the place and not focused on the action like the cinematographer is afraid of being shot or something. *meh*
Part II
ReplyDeleteomfG!!! What is up with the EXTREME AMOUT OF FUCKING ANNOYING LENSFLARE??!!??
HeyZeusHCristoAlmighty!!!
It was fucking EVERYWHERE!!! That shit was the most fucking stupid and distracting shit everytime it appeared, which was OFTEN! Most of it is on the remake Enterprise's bridge. The glass panels all over that compartment don't help. The Lensflare gets in the way of the actors faces more times than I care to list. I had mentioned it to the Paramount rep taking audience notes (I introduced it as "on the technical/cinematography side") and he AGREED that it was annoying to him (and others) as well. I asked if that stuff was actaully DELIBERATE because it seemed to be in there far too much to not be... he said that it was. WTF??? STUPID, totally stupid. He mentioned that it was one of the main things that audience members did not like.
The remake "Chekov" is years OLDER than his Original Trekiverse counterpart. Remake "Chekov" is basically a Russian version (a characture of Original Checkov really) of Wesley Crusheer for some reason. I guess maybe they watched an old Next Gen and got confused. This reamke kid genius "Chekov" is only 17 years old. (I don''t recall if his rank was mentioned, but it seems odd that he was given bridge command at one point, you'd think that there were officers of higher rank on the bridge or at least the ship... the ship WAS being crewed by cadets though - another Wrath of Khan copy! *sigh*). This makes him OLDER than his Original Style counterpart, who is 22 in the Original Uni's year of 2267 (original Pavel states his age in the epiosde "Who Mourns for Adonis"). This makes Original Chekov's birthyear 2245 as opposed to the remake one's birthyear of 2241. For some reason, remake "Chekov" doesn't have the Monkees bigbowl haircut, he's got a pirm (maybe he's on loan from an alternate Brady Bunch Season 5 era universe?). Well, at least he doesn't have an eyepatch, scar and a goateee. Hmmmm well, maybe the last one woulda been alright! ;) LOL
THE UGLY
*meh* Again, where does one begin???
Howsabout the reamake "Enterprise" for a start?
I think you can dry your hair with the naecells...
Part III
ReplyDeleteThe interior of the ship is like the opposite of how the D and E Enterprises (back in The Original Trekiverse) were portrayed in the four craptacular Next Gen films - there, they were rather dark, like the Federation was trying to save on the electric bill or something (actually it was the dumb idea of the then exec producers to make it more like Alien or someshit. WTF?)
The little cabbage-headed lizard dude that follows remake Scotty around. Like most of the really non-human aliens, the mask and mak-up looks like a reject from the Cantina scene in Star Wars-Episode IV: A New Hope. Well, that's fitting, isn't it? As the warp scenes are a combo of the "reimagined" (lol) Battlestar Galacta and SW.
Truly, ALL of the non-human characters with heavy make-up looked fake. And a special mention goes to the Vulcan ears... not sure if I noticed this in the first free screening I saw (last Thursday) or if I only noticed it in the psuedo-IMAX free showing last night, but basically ALL of the make-up on the pointed ears for the Vulcans looked mis-matched and therefore fake! *UGH* The exceptions were Quinto and Nimoy's! *sigh* Maybe it was the larger presentation of the fake IMAX ratio, but I'm not entirely sure.
SUMMATION
Remake "Chekov" is 17 in the remakeverse's 2258. This makes his birthdate 2241 and not 2245 as with his Original Universe's counterpart.
The Vulcan whirliegig red matter pod-ship's computer says that it was constructed on stardate 2387... This conforms to the Earth-A.D. stardate system of the remake universe and NOT the ORIGINAL TREKIVERSE! Therefore, another point of why the Spock of the future (Nimoy) is from a universe that is ALTERNATE to The Original one (aka TOS, TOAS, TNG, DS9, VOY and ENT). Incidentally, the 2387 date is six years after Nemesis (2002), which is set during 2379. A comicbook published by IDW is a prequel to the remake flick and from what I gather, depicts the Original Universe Spock being the one who crosses over into the movie's remake universe. I suppose this in itself can be an alternate universe. Also in that same comic, Data is Data, not B4 with no explaination of if Data's personalityt became dominate over B4's... Whatever, like Alien 3 and Ressurection, they offed a character *crappy* and then just cloned said character. Whatever. More bad writing. A francise-killer!
Part IV
ReplyDeleteThe technology of 2233 is ALREADY different than that depicted in the ORIGINAL TREK UNIVERSE.
Therefore, the Spock of the future (Nimoy) and the bad Khan rip-off Nero are both from a universe that is already ALTERNATE to the ORIGINAL TREK UNIVERSE. The paradoxial temporal machinations of the villain has altered that already not-the-Original Universe makes it a divergeant timeline (whenin Kirk's father has been killed in 2233, as opposed to having lived to see Kirk become Captain of the Enterprise as stated by old future Spock, who REMEMBERS the events of his timeline, which this one must have originally reflected).
Again, Spock CAN NOT be from the same timeline as the remake universe. He remembers Vulcan as it was in 2387. The paradox of Nero destroying Vulcanin 2258 so it is gone in 2387 makes no sense at all. It's the grandfather paradox: you can not go back in time, within your own universe's timeline and kill your ancestor before you are born, thus eliminating your own existance and then STILL exist in that same timeline/universe's future (your prest or recent past realy), to go back in time and sly your progenitor. *meh* Fucking bad writing.
By the way, Delta Vega was shown in The Original Series. It's where Kirk attempted to trap Galactic Barrier-empowered Gary Mitchell in The Original Series Second Pilot "Where No Man Has Gone Before" (1965).
The writers of the remake "Trek" seem to think that there's a butterfly effect on this universe, in which birthdates of certain characters (Chekov is a good example) and the creation of the "Enterprise" - 2258 in the remake and 2245 under Captain April, who appears to not exist, at least was not referenced at all).